I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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