She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
