This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
