I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
