I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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