you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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