Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
smell my finger.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
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When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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