what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
