So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
