I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
