He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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