my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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