i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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