I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
