You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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