barbara walters just said penis...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
