my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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