lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
