sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
