What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
