I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
