she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
