I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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