yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
