I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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