you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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