walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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