How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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