i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
