I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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