thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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