You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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