i jhust puked up my retainher.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How drunk are you?