Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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