I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
