i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
