i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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