omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
