I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
