drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
