SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
