Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
