"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
