Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
