hotel room ftw
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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