It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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