I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
