I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
