i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
