come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You were trust falling into bushes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
