she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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