I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My balls are so social today.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
