my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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