I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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