It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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